Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
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