Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
