New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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