I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
