apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
