the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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