So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
