I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Let's paint friendship bongs
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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