Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
