the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
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