My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
