Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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