Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
