Betty ford says i'm here all night
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
