Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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