how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
