sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
sarcasm needs its own font
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
