My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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