I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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