When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
