If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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