last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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