so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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