Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
