I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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