he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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