I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
