i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I AM VODKA MAN
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
