On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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