i already hear my dad disowning me
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
