I'm going to rape someone's good day.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
