Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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