Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He better not be in your backpack
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
