Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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