I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
