Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
