You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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