I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
