oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
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