you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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