Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
