Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
