I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just googled if crying burns calories
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
