I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
NoShamevember. You game?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
