I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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