I like my sex mixed with concussions.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
