tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
