she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Randomize
