I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
