I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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