My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
