singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
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