he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
