Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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