Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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