I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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