Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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