Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize