Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
