This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
