The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
