Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I AM VODKA MAN
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
